Should I Pull the Plug on My Marriage?

Are you happy with your partner? Seriously though. Not Instagram happy. Not parent-teacher-united-front happy. Genuinely happy. Ok, so maybe happy is a stretch. Comfortable? Content?

If you’re anything like me, you’ve gotten really good at compartmentalizing the shit out of your life. You have great kids. You have great friends. You do PTA, soccer carpools, play dates. You’re really busy. You don’t have time to consider your level of happiness, much less actually do anything about it.

You may feel like you are on autopilot. You may schedule every minute so you don’t have to think about how lonely you are in your relationship. I did that for many years. Eventually, the energy required to continue that kind of charade starts running low. My energy started to deplete when my kids were about 10 and 12 years old. As your kids get older, more brain space becomes available for introspection.

People are funny and unpredictable. Some people are willing to float around in this yuck pool for years. Some people might hightail it out of there the second they feel a slight malaise. People move at the speed of pain. Your particular pain might be very tolerable. Or, maybe you are numb to the pain entirely. Personally, I toyed with the idea of leaving for several years but came up with a million different reasons to stay. I told myself I was staying for the kids, but in reality, I was staying because I was scared shitless. Turns out, the unknown is 100 times scarier than the dumpster fire which is your marriage or relationship.

So, how do you know? What if you can’t hear the voice inside of your head? What if you’re so shut down you don’t even know what you feel anymore? Easy peasy trick: Close your eyes. Picture yourself sitting on a porch listing to the thrumming rain and watching a big, loud thunderstorm move into your area. You’re feeling serene. Someone is sitting next to you. Someone who makes you feel joy. Someone who make you feel passion. Someone who makes you laugh. Is this person your current partner?

The answer might be “sometimes” or, “I don’t know”. Divorce is a big decision. It’s not a decision one should make spontaneously. There are plenty of ways to rekindle a love relationship and there are plenty of ways to fix a broken relationship. Some relationships are salvageable. Some aren’t. If yours falls in the potentially salvageable category, consider trying to work it out. Set a reasonable period of time for meaningful efforts and then reassess. I exhausted multiple options before I made my final decision. Regrets are much easier to avoid if you know you tried everything.

Once you make the decision to end the relationship, there’s no need to rush into any life-altering decisions. Baby steps. I like to call this exploration mode. Open your mind to the possibility of a different life than the one you pictured for yourself. If you’re not a rational thinker, or a planner, this might be difficult for you. Talk to friends, ask questions, read books, do some internet research. Let yourself feel the feelings. Let yourself, maybe for the first time ever, consider what will make you feel happy. Not your family. Not your kids. YOU.

The decision is the hardest part, I swear. Once you have made the decision, the rest just starts to fall into place.